How to Tell a Woman You Domt Like Her Again

Not Interested in Dating Someone? Just Say And so.

Michael S. Sorensen

FYI, I'grand not formally educated or licensed as a therapist, advisor, social worker, psychologist, or healthcare professional, though much of what I teach is informed by these. Curious about my background? Read my bio.

Also, I utilise affiliate links when recommending books or products. These give me a small commission if yous employ them to make a purchase, at no additional cost to yous. Give thanks you for your support.

I've fabricated it a goal to go out on at least one date per week for the past couple of years, and in doing so, accept met hundreds of fantastic people. By and large, these are offset dates, and but first dates. Every once in a while, though, I run across a adult female who I'd like to go along dating. And every once in a while, she ends upwardly feeling the aforementioned style and information technology turns into a great relationship. (Sweet.)

I also get the occasional woman that I'm interested in, who doesn't evidence the aforementioned involvement in me. (Not so sugariness.) And yet, that's dating. I don't get besides broken up about it.

In those instances, however, there is one thing I wish were different: that people would be more than directly when they're only not interested.

Walking the line.

We every bit men walk a fine line in pursuing women—that of existence the confident, manly man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to get for it, without becoming the drastic, needy man who can't take a hint.

What makes walking this line so hard, though, is the fact that some women play difficult-to-become in hopes that the man will pursue her harder, while others play hard-to-get in hopes that the man will "get the hint" and leave them alone!

See any issues here?

Over the years, I've learned to not make assumptions. If I'1000 getting mixed signals, I'll simply ask her where she's at. I'll be honest with my hopes (eastward.thousand. "Hey, I enjoy spending time with you, and would like to keep getting to know you") and give them an out if they're not feeling the same way (east.g. "and still, if y'all're non interested, nil difficult feelings. I'd but similar to know where you're at.")

When I've had that chat, some women tell me that they're simply not interested (nifty—no more guessing), while others admit they are interested, but accept been playing hard-to-get because "otherwise, you men lose interest!"

What? Okay, sure. At that place is some psychological something around wanting what y'all can't accept, but dating is confusing enough without having to play that game. Tin can't we just nosotros spare it?

Let's be existent.

Instead of playing games, or trying to "not hurt the other person's feelings," I'g a proponent of kind, genuine honesty. If you'd like to keep dating someone, say so! If not, say so. Don't "ghost" the person (i.e. stop returning their calls or texts) and don't feed them countless excuses if they go along asking you out.

This goes for both men and women.

At present to exist fair, telling someone that you lot're not interested is much easier said than washed. I practice not green-eyed women, as they're frequently the ones existence pursued, and therefore the ones having to figure out how to let the guy downwardly easy. I've been at that place before—pursued past women I'm not interested in—and letting them down is tough. I'chiliad always tempted to just give excuses or depict it out until they "get the hint."

But that's non honest. Information technology's not 18-carat. And you know what? It's not fifty-fifty kind. Ignoring or avoiding someone when they're conspicuously interested in y'all just prolongs an uncomfortable situation for the both of yous. Whatis the kind thing to do? Allow them know you lot're not interested.

Simply how?

Recently, I had a woman text me afterwards a kickoff date and tell me she'd love to do something again sometime. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I was immediately tempted to say "Yeah, that would be fun!"

Simply honestly, I wasn't interested. She was keen in so many means and I truly enjoyed getting to know her that evening, but I had no intention of request her out again. We merely didn't click.

After giving it some thought, here's how I responded:

Thanks, and I definitely volition. And while I had a great time this evening (genuinely!), I'm not certain I really see things working out long term. I enjoyed getting to know yous a trivial improve—cheers for agreeing to go out!

Simple enough, right?

She was cool about it. Here was her response:

I wasn't completely sure, merely I had fun enough time talking that I had thought I would give it some other shot. I sympathize though! Thanks again!

We wrapped up with a little more minor talk and it ended positively.

Honestly, I just proceed that response saved on my phone now and tweak it to each state of affairs and then it'southward truthful and respectful. (Tacky? Maybe. I consider it efficient. It took me a long time to craft that response! You can utilise it, free of charge.)

Every time I answer in this way, I get a positive response, and both of us are able to move on without the uncomfortable guessing, avoiding, or worrying. Every time a adult female has responded to me in this way, the result is the same. I admire her even more for having the maturity to exist direct, and am grateful to exist able to movement on without any question.

Agree? Disagree? How do you lot permit someone down nicely? Post about information technology in the comments beneath.

Like What You Read?

Subscribe to the Web log.

Aught spam. Unsubscribe at any fourth dimension. 👍🏼

33 thoughts on "Not Interested in Dating Someone? Just Say And so."

I wish women would take your advice. Instead they somehow manage to think lying and stringing men along is there piece of cake style out? Shit gets so old.
That's a keen response! Totally copying it. My method is telling them "even though y'all're dainty and good looking, I just don't recall we're a fit. (I used to say in that location was no chemistry but have heard that can come off as offensive — as if they aren't sexually attractive. XD
1. Hello Jeanie,
  
  Right? And interesting insight on the "chemistry" piece—I hadn't thought of that, but could see how it could exist interpreted that way. Best of luck with the dating!
  
  Michael
2. Concur x infinity!!! I love your response and copied it. I was recently abruptly let get subsequently existence strung along. False words and promises. He said all the right things. Ugh! I'm not so much mad at him every bit I am at how he did information technology. I hate lies. Totally wasted my fourth dimension.
  1. Ugh, I'm so sorry. Dating is rough!
    1. I have a 76 year old homo interested in me. I am 72. He knows my young man died one year ago. He keeps flirting with me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, just I am just not interested.
      1. Hi Pam,
        
        Not an easy situation! My recommendation from the article however stands, though—being direct and honest is the *kindest* way to let him down.
        
        Michael
  2. Totally agreed with beingness upfront from start if in that location's no involvement after trying to get to know someone. In my case, the guy called, texted, facetime; morning, noon, and some belatedly nights for near ane-wk 1/two. Immediately ask me out later on his BD wknd spent w/son (?). Anyhow, post-obit his BD, he calls next morning left msg. (excuse) for not calling afterwards in day every bit promised, proverb we would talk later. Later came, (8hrs) I txt to ask if he could talk. "not right now, I will ring you later". Never happened. Next day, no early morn call or text. I waited, text to brand sure he'southward okay. "thx for asking" was response, nothing more than. Nor did he call or txt later. I said, to myself, no worries. Tertiary solar day afterward BD, I text gm, he responded 2hrs. later, "GM hru". I text later, "skilful", is everything alright w/you. Hr later, "I'yard ok, thx for asking bs". I said plenty is enough. I felt I was wasting my time, or being strung along for a ride. No official calls. WTF
    I simply text: Glad y'all're okay. Simply asking, are you withal interested in mtg for the wknd. Could be wrong, but I sense a disconnect. 2hrs and counting went past.
    FYI: He told me he broke up w/his ex approx. 6-mo. prior to mtg me. I'm pretty intuitive. My guts told me they reconciled during his BD, and he does non take nerve to let me downward easy, and or wants his cake /swallow information technology too.
    Thing about it I really liked this guy.
    1. Ugh, that'due south no fun at all. Another prime example of how being tactful-yet-direct is the kindest matter we can do to those we interact with.
I've been up forepart and honest with men to the point where I've actually wound up saying thank you but I'm not interested to which I'm and so attacked past being called actually foul names. I'm almost too afraid to even endeavor chatting with men normally I'll say thank yous for your involvement just I'm simply actually not interested in going whatever further so I'one thousand attacked verbally. Possibly 1 or 2 out of the men I've said no thanks to accept been cool almost it the others though "scary" doesn't come up close to their reactions. Alot is their thinking I'm downwardly for anything which I'm not i simply don't get why men get and then angry for no reason. I'm just some other adult female in a long line of women they've pursued so what gives?
As a women, we are often indirect most these things because of:
A) fears of male violence – nearly all women have been verbally abused by women for rejecting them (being called a b**** or a w****, etc.). All women have heard of instances of women existence threatened, physically abused or even killed for rejecting men. Information technology's simply not worth the risk
B) socialization – perhaps because of A, women are socialized from a very young historic period to exist nice and non stone the boat
I never show interest in women (fifty-fifty though I may be very interested) because no woman has ever shown interest in me. I've seen in several places that women commonly initiate past giving hints to guys they like. Since I never get any hints from women, I don't bother.
I'm not interested in dating at all, only I do bask talking and socializing. I never flirt, I don't respond to flirting, and I don't lead women on. My problem is they get upset because I won't ask them out. But I don't experience like I demand to give them a reason. No 1 is entitled to a engagement with anyone. Short of eliminating all social contact with women (a tempting selection), how can I preclude them from condign upset with me?
1. I totally empathize John. I like my own infinite and often tell men that I enjoy company and socializing, merely I don't wish for it to go any further. I observe that beingness direct up front end stops people from expecting information technology to pb somewhere. I besides make it clear to men that they are welcome to sever the friendship if necessary for their ain feelings.
  1. Hello Niya,
    
    This is a not bad arroyo. Honest, direct, and boundaried. Well done.
    
    Michael
    1. Hello Michael,
      
      I recently just told the guy I've been dating for a few months that'due south I didn't feel the relationship was progressing into what I wanted, therefor wanting to move on. I was very nice and respectful. His response was very passive ambitious and feels that sending the message via text was a crime.
      1. Hi Elizabeth,
        
        I'1000 distressing you're in that situation—it'southward never like shooting fish in a barrel ending a relationship. Without knowing the details of the situation, information technology's tough for me to comment in depth. I will say, though, that catastrophe a relationship over text generally isn't advisable. My examples in this commodity pertain to situations where someone has expressed involvement in dating, or peradventure going out on a 2d date, non for times when you're already in a relationship and wanting to break up. So my apologies if that was not articulate. I'm a big proponent of phone or in-person conversations for anything that is difficult, sensitive, or emotionally charged.
        
        So if y'all oasis't done so already, you might consider calling him upwardly, validating the fact that breaking up over text wasn't the best idea (e.g. "I'thou sorry for sending that text—that's non a great mode to share something like this…I wanted to exist sure I worded information technology well, but I realize at present that it would take been more advisable to call," or whatever feels right to you) and so hope he is more respectful during your chat in render.
        
        But if he lashes out or goes passive-aggressive on yous, you do non demand to sit and accept that. Information technology'southward entirely appropriate to say what you need to say, and then kindly wrap things up: "I'm merely not feeling it. Cheers for the fourth dimension we had together and I wish you lot the all-time."
        
        Over again, my heart goes out to you—I sometimes feel information technology's harder being the 1 to end a relationship than beingness on the receiving end. No fun at all.
        
        Michael
2. Hi John,
  
  That is a catchy situation, to be certain. You absolutely have every right to want to build friendships and not accept them into the flirting or dating realm. As to how best to communicate that to these women, that would differ from example to case. If you lot'd like to provide a specific example, I'd be happy to suggest some means to approach information technology. In general, though, information technology will be of import to call back that while at that place are means to tactfully arroyo the situation to increase their chances of understanding or respecting your boundaries, they still may still cull to take it personally or reply poorly. If they want you to enquire them out and find out you lot aren't interested, they're going to be disappointed. No way around that. Just we of class hope they're emotionally healthy plenty to not take that out on you.
  
  Michael
Hullo Michael,
Thanks for your postal service. I broke upward with a human being I dated a few months ago. He texts or emails me almost every two months and the communication problem still hasn't resolved. When I finally called to advise nosotros talk in person instead of texting and talking he agreed then now he's so cold. We broke information technology off because we agreed we were exclusive and then one day the a dating app popped up aNd apparently he was still online. He felt horrible and I said I understand people make mistakes but I tin't forget it. So when I saw him once again he couldn't answer to what he wanted. I asked him once again if I was what he wanted and he said he didn't know. I merely don't know what to practise. His texts are cold and doesn't even bother to inquire how I am doing etc. delight advise on how I should reply. I don't like being treated this way if I didn't practice annihilation wrong but love him.
A reminder to the women commenting, this article was written by a man. Information technology's not only women who are socialized to be nice, we all are. And while women might fright concrete abuse, just think how much men fear psychological abuse that ruins our reputation, our piece of work, our lives, when nosotros reject some women. I'd much rather get a punch in the face up. What I take found works is that yous must reject them in that location and then at the end of the engagement before they get a sniff. Alternatively, if you lot are unsure so y'all say "I really don't encounter this going anywhere just I'chiliad open to a 2d date." Doing information technology through text I would experience is more for the person who doesn't accept rejection and keeps on texting. This and so is evidence that you have written information technology with respect if the rejected starts getting defamatory.
I've been in a LDR with a very nice guy for 3 months. The more I've gotten to know most him the more than I'm not sure this human relationship is working for me. Everytime I want to voice that he says how compatible he feels we are and happy he is almost things. Information technology's axiomatic that I'm broken-hearted and not so happy anymore. I've been feeling similar is there something incorrect with me that I'one thousand not comfortable anymore ? He'south a good guy merely defective things I feel I personally need. Nosotros haven't spent much time in person nonetheless. Is information technology dragging it out to wait on that opportunity or is waiting just to possibly suspension upwards worse ? Thankyou for this post !
1. Hullo Bearding,
  
  That's a tough one. I volition say, there's zippo wrong with you for not being interested in someone. That's why we date—to see if a relationship has staying power (and to see if nosotros're willing to put in the work required to make that relationship stay great, because I'one thousand not aware of whatever human relationship that just stays amazing without piece of work 😉 ). If you feel the human relationship could do good from spending more fourth dimension in person, and you're willing to wait for that, great! Just if not, I would be careful to not let feelings of what yous "should" or "shouldn't" do go in the way of what your center tells you.
  
  Michael
Give thanks y'all! I'm also going to have to salve that. The guy I wasn't interested in replied: " All good… Not going to waste material my time and yours… Yous take care and good luck…" he also mentioned I should have told him sooner, merely tbh I was still on the debate.
1. Hello Pamela,
  
  Prissy work. And I'm happy to hear that guy respond well to it. Thank you for sharing!
  1. Thanks for writing this article. I'm 52 and haven't dated in 35 years, so this is all new. I have a big heart (probably why I'm a teacher) and am always worried about hurting feelings. Specially when they accept expressed feelings for me. I even let it keep going thinking I volition become more attracted to them somehow. But and so information technology only gets harder to gracefully bow out.
    I googled how to word things, went not interested. Your advice stood out! This dating matter is fell in my opinion.
    Thank you again for your wisdom and clarity.
    1. Hi DeAun,
      
      Thank you for your annotate. And my lid's off to you for jumping back in; I'm sure much has changed in 35 years, and no—dating is never easy!
      
      Michael
I'1000 43. A 61 man told me that he likes me. We meet last year when I took my lawnmower in to be worked on and brought it back to him to work on it this year. Problem is I'm not physically attracted to him. Nosotros talked two weeks ago on Lord's day in person, which was great, then silence for two weeks. Today he calls me. He seemed to be a good guy til the silent treatment. I don't know what to do. I experience like he was looking for a wife. Reason I'k saying that is because I told him I felt similar "matrimony is overrated", he's been married iii times- me twice. I'grand not looking to get married again.
1. How-do-you-do Anna, I'one thousand sorry you've been on the receiving end of the "ghosting." Not a fun or easy spot to be in at all.
  
  Michael
  1. Michael,
    
    I met a guy (younger than me) a few years back, nosotros went out, I had a good fourth dimension and it turned in a one nighttime stand (for me). Nosotros spoke a few times and seen each other in passing, but I actually wasn't interested. Still, periodically he will see a mail service of mine on social media and he will achieve out, wanting to have sex again. He says, he "really enjoyed the sex, and would like to run into me and that he is not interested in a relationship". I have never taken him up on the offer, tho. Yet, he continues to text me periodically.
    
    This fourth dimension tho, he has been texting me for well-nigh a calendar month, consistently and still merely wants sexual practice. I have told him that I am not interested in just that, I desire a relationship, (non necessarily with him though), thinking that would go him to go away, it didn't. He continues to text, good morning, how are you, etc.. He'southward not a bad guy, I am but not into him.
    
    How do I tell him to end contacting me without being harsh most it?
    1. Hi Anonymous,
      
      First off, kudos to you for holding your ground and addressing your needs. As to how to respond, it obviously depends on the recent conversation, what your relationship looked similar, etc. But in full general, you might consider preparing a more final response for the next time he reaches out. And then if he messages you again request for sex, you might say, "No, thank you. Equally I've mentioned before, I'1000 non interested in a casual human relationship. I enjoyed our time together *and* I ask that you please not message me over again. Thank y'all and I wish you all the all-time."
      
      Michael
Hi Michael – great article, merely surprising from my perspective. It'southward been the other way around for me (I'm a 47 year old woman). I've been dating online pretty actively the last couple of years. I've probably met a dozen or and so men and have chatted with more than of grade. In some instances it was clear to me that I did non want to date the guy, and I permit them know immediately over text. They responded kindly and appreciatively to me every single fourth dimension. But more situations involved conversations or dates that were lovely, merely the guy did non stay engaged by standing the conversation over text or setting up another phone call or date. My read on the situation has typically been that they are not interested enough to stay engaged, but desire to keep my number in instance something else doesn't piece of work out. Afterwards well-nigh 1-ii weeks of sensing this, I send a squeamish message similar to what you lot suggest above and cut it off. Once again, they take always responded kindly and wished me well. I really don't enjoy being in that gray area with men that I would consider dating over again. I wish they would simply tell me they're not interested. Or should I perhaps keep these doors open up in instance something does work out? I don't get emotional nigh these situations, only I admittedly don't like the thought of the guy wanting to proceed me around "just in case". Any advice?
1. Hi Suzanne,
  
  Information technology sounds similar the situation you've described is what I speak to in the article – how difficult it is being the one interested in someone, but getting mixed signals in return. They don't go along the conversations flowing, they are always "busy" when you ask to practise something, etc. In those instances, I institute myself wishing the other person would but tell me they weren't interested rather than leave me guessing. Artlessness is kind!
  
  Michael
I'm a woman and get this from men all the time. Information technology's so infuriating because I am quite directly, always in a polite fashion, and all I want is to know where I stand with someone. Too many times I take had endless text 'situationships' with men where they seem very engaged but never actually ask you out to meet. Yous can't write them off yet but it's a dissatisfying situation. And so then I enquire them out (this is usually at about the engagement #3 marking) and information technology'due south a vague response that is often nonetheless unclear. Honestly, why tin can't anyone just be upfront anymore. Particularly when we're all communicating via messages these days anyhow, how scary tin information technology perhaps exist to simply say 'look, I had a great fourth dimension, it was lovely to meet you, merely I just didn't feel the chemistry i'd hoped for' or something?… Anything. Just be upfront as soon as possible. Life is too short to be stringing people along and sadly when y'all are on the receiving end of this behavior over and over once again you become jaded and reluctant to become involved with anyone.